For the past forty-something entries, I’ve written about my graduate student self, my scientist/researcher self, my educator self, my Catholic self, my food-loving self, my sporty self, my adventurous and curious self, my tall Asian self, my caring and loving self, my traveler self, my photographer self, and much more. I have been avoiding writing about one of my other identities, and I instead focus on being my progressive self so that I could get out of this town and get my PhD as soon as possible. However, a man has feelings and cannot solely think of work the whole time too,…and now ’tis time to introduce my gay self.
Labelling myself gay makes me feel funny, since I would still consider a woman to be beautiful and would be honored to dine with a lovely lady, but I dreamt of being held tightly by a man with strong arms. There were numerous moments in my life when I was told that I am not too gay, for I do not act flamboyantly nor go to gay bars or socials by myself. I also know limits and would not prey on students, coworkers, friends, and such…and perhaps my aim to make progress in graduate school and life prevents people from seeing the gay me. Interestingly, a little bit of me always wonder if I will be loved by others. I have many friends of both sexes who told me that I am a great guy and that I will make a great lover, but I never thought that I am attractive enough. For a person who used to be seventy-five to eighty pounds heavier, I did become more confident socially, but I always feel that I could become more muscular or make my physical appearance better with contact lenses and one of those wacky hairdos. Even if my heart tells me so, I still decided to be my own self with my glasses and short hair, although I do visit the gym to work out my muscles.
Another obstacle is that I am not interested in hookups or one nighters. I noticed that many people around my age and myself could be horny quite frequently, but I just have my ways to suppress the urge by going to the gym, having long walks, or riding my bike around town. Perhaps compared to many others I know, I could be considered asexual since I do not dread to bang or be banged by other folks everyday. Maybe that is why I do not consider myself hetero- or homosexual since I want to focus on love instead of being sexed up. When having some conversations with a family member who was afraid of HIV/AIDS and other infectious diseases when I came out to her last December, I also vowed that I will not have anal sex with any random person I met, and I have been a virgin since birth. For a masculine man with some manners, I also do not just stare at people on the streets and think if I would penetrate or be penetrated by them or not.
No matter who I am, I feel distant and different compared to most of the gays out there. I have many wonderful friends and family members, and I will stay loyal to them,…but good gay friends are limited on my list. I wonder if I am the only gay guy looking for something more meaningful than what is behind the zippers, and why I would feel lonely in an ocean or pond of gay men. I felt as an old-fashioned gay since I love Frank Sinatra and some classy taste in food and wine, and I do not submerged myself into Lady Gaga or dollar beers the entire time. I prefer to stay at home, cook dinner, and cuddle with my lover while watching a movie instead of going out onto the dance floor and get wasted. Even if I dedicate myself to work for now, the little bit of my hopeless romantic self would feel neglected when seeing couples holding hands on streets. I believe that there is someone out there who really cares about me and that I can be loved, but I was disappointed through time. Of course, I do have standards to find a guy who is well-educated, who is independent (even financially), who takes good care of himself, who has goals to achieve in life, and who is adventurous and curious (since I did not end up well with a guy who only eats burgers and apples). One of my friends told me that my standards could be high since many folks would leech onto others and depend on others, and that the independent type pretty much makes the 1% of the population…I also know that I will not be happy when dating a guy who is not disease or drug free, and maybe my standards could be too high in the gay world.
I watched a movie called “Is It Just Me?” today, and I felt that I was portrayed in the movie through the main character Blaine. Similar to him, I could be considered “average” since I am not obese, overweight, muscular, twinkie, or sexually active. Blaine and I shared many other aforementioned similarities, and the movie gave me courage and hope to continue being who I truly am. ‘Tis not that I am going to break my vow and start sleeping around town,’tis not that I am going to change my wardrobe into flashy neon pink, ’tis not that I am going to ditch my other identities and become a typical gay man. There is nothing wrong with me; although I could be considered “different” compared to many other gay guys, I am unique and special in my own ways, and I am PROUD of who I am.
Along with reminding me to accept myself and not compare myself to others, the film also sends the message that there are guys out there like me who would appreciate my character. Maybe he is not discovered by me in Madison, or that–similar to Blaine’s plot in the movie–he is going to be a Texan cowboy with leather boots and hat. I do know that it is fine if my first boyfriend does not become my lifelong partner, but I do hope that he is there somewhere.
Many folks told me that I am becoming into a Catholic monk and that perhaps I should join the seminary and become a priest. Unfortunately, I did not hear God’s calling for that but for me to dedicate myself in the health sciences field and to educate others. Even after being amazingly single for twenty-five years and continuously making improvements in my abilities, my body, and my soul…I am not giving up and am going continue to be patient while meeting more folks in life.
At the end, I dedicate this song to all folks out there, no matter who you are. Do know that you are loved and that you will find love, and may you continue loving your true self and showering yourself with the simplest joys around you.