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attraction to men

For the past forty-something entries, I’ve written about my graduate student self, my scientist/researcher self, my educator self, my Catholic self, my food-loving self, my sporty self, my adventurous and curious self, my tall Asian self, my caring and loving self, my traveler self, my photographer self, and much more.  I have been avoiding writing about one of my other identities, and I instead focus on being my progressive self so that I could get out of this town and get my PhD as soon as possible.  However, a man has feelings and cannot solely think of work the whole time too,…and now ’tis time to introduce my gay self.

Labelling myself gay makes me feel funny, since I would still consider a woman to be beautiful and would be honored to dine with a lovely lady, but I dreamt of being held tightly by a man with strong arms.  There were numerous moments in my life when I was told that I am not too gay, for I do not act flamboyantly nor go to gay bars or socials by myself.  I also know limits and would not prey on students, coworkers, friends, and such…and perhaps my aim to make progress in graduate school and life prevents people from seeing the gay me.  Interestingly, a little bit of me always wonder if I will be loved by others.  I have many friends of both sexes who told me that I am a great guy and that I will make a great lover, but I never thought that I am attractive enough.  For a person who used to be seventy-five to eighty pounds heavier, I did become more confident socially, but I always feel that I could become more muscular or make my physical appearance better with contact lenses and one of those wacky hairdos.  Even if my heart tells me so, I still decided to be my own self with my glasses and short hair, although I do visit the gym to work out my muscles.

Another obstacle is that I am not interested in hookups or one nighters.  I noticed that many people around my age and myself could be horny quite frequently, but I just have my ways to suppress the urge by going to the gym, having long walks, or riding my bike around town.  Perhaps compared to many others I know, I could be considered asexual since I do not dread to bang or be banged by other folks everyday.  Maybe that is why I do not consider myself hetero- or homosexual since I want to focus on love instead of being sexed up.  When having some conversations with a family member who was afraid of HIV/AIDS and other infectious diseases when I came out to her last December, I also vowed that I will not have anal sex with any random person I met, and I have been a virgin since birth.   For a masculine man with some manners, I also do not just stare at people on the streets and think if I would penetrate or be penetrated by them or not.

No matter who I am, I feel distant and different compared to most of the gays out there.  I have many wonderful friends and family members, and I will stay loyal to them,…but good gay friends are limited on my list.  I wonder if I am the only gay guy looking for something more meaningful than what is behind the zippers, and why I would feel lonely in an ocean or pond of gay men.  I felt as an old-fashioned gay since I love Frank Sinatra and some classy taste in food and wine, and I do not submerged myself into Lady Gaga or dollar beers the entire time.  I prefer to stay at home, cook dinner, and cuddle with my lover while watching a movie instead of going out onto the dance floor and get wasted.  Even if I dedicate myself to work for now, the little bit of my hopeless romantic self would feel neglected when seeing couples holding hands on streets.  I believe that there is someone out there who really cares about me and that I can be loved, but I was disappointed through time.  Of course, I do have standards to find a guy who is well-educated, who is independent (even financially), who takes good care of himself, who has goals to achieve in life, and who is adventurous and curious (since I did not end up well with a guy who only eats burgers and apples).  One of my friends told me that my standards could be high since many folks would leech onto others and depend on others, and that the independent type pretty much makes the 1% of the population…I also know that I will not be happy when dating a guy who is not disease or drug free, and maybe my standards could be too high in the gay world.

I watched a movie called “Is It Just Me?” today, and I felt that I was portrayed in the movie through the main character Blaine.  Similar to him, I could be considered “average” since I am not obese, overweight, muscular, twinkie, or sexually active.  Blaine and I shared many other aforementioned similarities, and the movie gave me courage and hope to continue being who I truly am. ‘Tis not that I am going to break my vow and start sleeping around town,’tis not that I am going to change my wardrobe into flashy neon pink, ’tis not that I am going to ditch my other identities and become a typical gay man.  There is nothing wrong with me; although I could be considered “different” compared to many other gay guys, I am unique and special in my own ways, and I am PROUD of who I am.

Along with reminding me to accept myself and not compare myself to others, the film also sends the message that there are guys out there like me who would appreciate my character.  Maybe he is not discovered by me in Madison, or that–similar to Blaine’s plot in the movie–he is going to be a Texan cowboy with leather boots and hat.  I do know that it is fine if my first boyfriend does not become my lifelong partner, but I do hope that he is there somewhere.

Many folks told me that I am becoming into a Catholic monk and that perhaps I should join the seminary and become a priest.  Unfortunately, I did not hear God’s calling for that but for me to dedicate myself in the health sciences field and to educate others.  Even after being amazingly single for twenty-five years and continuously making improvements in my abilities, my body, and my soul…I am not giving up and am going continue to be patient while meeting more folks in life.

At the end, I dedicate this song to all folks out there, no matter who you are.  Do know that you are loved and that you will find love, and may you continue loving your true self and showering yourself with the simplest joys around you.

I have not written for the past two days, so here is a mini-recap:

1. Things in lab are going well.  I am now planning on the next huge experiment.

2. Went to lunch with Tawin and his friend.  The food was a bit pricey but flavorful…but I feel that I could simply cook the dish myself.  I guess that this is a good lesson for me: to not go to a Nepalese place for lunch but Indian lunch buffet with the same price range and more choices.

3. Have been riding my bike around for exercise other than walking.  The gyms have been closed, and I am hoping to go back to the work-outs and cardio exercises soon!

4. I met up with my good friend Michael tonight, and we hung out for an hour and a half at Noodles and Co.  We did not go there for dinner, but we were trying to find a place to catch up and chat.  We ended going to Noodles and Co. where he bought a huge cookie to share, and we finally sat and stayed warm.  I of course did not eat any of the chocolate chip cookie since I need to maintain my figure 😉

Michael was a good and holy man I met in 2010, and he became my godfather when I was baptized in April 2011.  We would often meet up to catch up in life, and so ’twas a joy to see him again.  He is getting married next June to a lovely lady, whom I met before…and I am happy for him.  He is happy with his new job and is thinking about what to do next in life.  Being older than him by a year or two, I gave him some tips, even on wedding planning, and he found those helpful.

We did talk about sex and culture tonight, and that inspired me to write this entry.  After talking to many people and reading blog entries from many, I noticed that many individuals would put more emphasis on sex instead of love.  For many, great sex is all that matters…but for a few, loving a person is more important.  Being able to hold hands and walk along the beach, to enjoy time cuddling together while watching a movie or seeing the sunrise, to laugh with conversations over dinner…all these beautiful wonders mean so much more to me and others compared to an erected ten inch cock, uber sensitive nipples, and twenty minutes (which can be too short for some people like me ;-D) of sweaty sex on the lawn.  ‘Tis no doubt that for most humans, we would have sexual urges due to the increase of our hormone levels after puberty from time to time, and that some of us can control our urges better than others…but why is there so much emphasis on sex?  Why would a gay guy sob if his date just wants some sleep instead of fooling around for the evening?  Why would a girl talk about the size of the penis as in a Sex and the City episode?

Perhaps the human race became a lot more open and casual to sex after sexual liberation with contraceptives.  Numerous movies and shows also portray folks hopping onto bed without underwear after the first date.  There are scenes, even in advertisement, of a guy waking up in the morning next to a nude lady, walking away from the bed and putting on his pants.  There are erotic scenes of sensual rub downs, and people in the kinos would have boners and start playing with themselves (which I noticed once with a guy next to me in a theatre on campus, and that freaked me out).  There are plots of teenagers hoping to get laid and get lucky for the evening, which forces folks to have sexual experience due to peer pressure and not be the sole virgin in a group…And special thanks to the internet, porn is a lot accessible to many in developed nations.  Even according to Avenue Q, the “internet is for porn”!  While familiarizing ourselves with porn, our mindset toward sex changes into addiction.  One of the guys mentioned quite often in his blog that he could hardly ejaculate in front of any human being since he is used to jacking off with porn, and that is just funny.  Why would a computer screen turn someone on so badly?  I mean, a real human in front of you is an attractive 3D image compared to the 2D pornography through the computer screen.  You can even poke the nipples of a human in front of you and see them bounce, which cannot be done through the screen barrier!  Even those 3D glasses for Avatar would not work in this scenario!  Would it not be better to be able to find someone you truly love at the end, spend quality time with him or her, and start exploring with commitment?

The rate of sexually transmitted infection is increasing dramatically as well.  For girls who are 13 to 17 years old, a report indicated that one of the four in that cohort would have sexually transmitted infections.  Perhaps this is why there is such a huge push for Gardasil to be on the market, but why are teenagers experiencing sex?  Why are more and more teenagers getting pregnant and dropping out of high school or even college?  Other than the heterosexual population, the gay community is not that much better.  In Madison, around 30-40% of gay club frequent goers would have STIs or be HIV positive.  Unfortunately, not a lot of people would get tested for those, and not many who are positive for both would be honest with their sex toy of the evening.

Sexual liberation creates more problems than benefits in my eyes, and that is perhaps why I am a lot more sexually conservative compared to the folks I know.  I just want something a lot more stable before committing myself to sleep with someone.  ‘Tis true that people might think that I am bad at sex since I lack the experience or practice…but you never know 😉  ‘Tis true that the missionary position can be boring for folks, and so that is why we all need to be creative!  Instead of blaming on bad sex, read a book or find resources that can help you.  Go to the gym to exercise and work-out to increase stamina.  Do something instead of b*tching around it with friends or finding another guy or girl and tossing away previous “partners” like used kleenex.

With so much emphasis on sex, many folks would also forget how to treat a lady or a man on a date, how to kiss and cuddle, how to even chat over food and walks, and how to be attractive.  We focus only on our pleasure (I had great sex, I had lousy sex, My hair is gorgeous for the date tonight, what should I wear? I enjoyed myself), but forget to think about our date or partner (Did you enjoy dinner?  You are so handsome!  I love the way you smile, I enjoyed talking to you).  Since humans usually wear clothes around the streets, we unfortunately are not like peacocks that would show their glimmering feathers to the opposite sex in public.  I mean, if I start showing my ding-dong down the street around my neighborhood, I would end up in the police station.  Therefore, we need to find ways to show our true selves while encouraging others to be themselves, portray our inner beauty while complimenting others’ as well, and show others that we are more than just flesh.  If the dating scene is just like a meat market, then humans do not need to be born without a brain!  Even if there is good sex in a relationship or marriage, those interactions will not last without something a bit more meaningful with quality.

Perhaps there needs to be a change in our culture.  Although many folks can be seen to be stubborn, a culture is actually more fluid than we thought.  For example, many in the Asian community would love to have shark’s fin soup to display their richness to the society.  After knowing how shark’s fins are harvested, many communities have banned shark’s fin soups in restaurants and in the markets.  In the United States and Europe, people would eat unhealthily with fast food…and folks such as Jamie Oliver and others are trying to change the eating habits of many.  If we notice that we are diagnosed with cancer or diabetes, we would hope to have done something earlier to change our lifestyle before being diagnosed!  Before making HIV and STIs so prevalent in the population, we have to do something for a change!  Yes, people might want scientists like me to pop a pill or create more efficient condoms, but ’tis actually quite hard for scientists and any human to play the role of God and defy nature.  Even those who use condoms still can risk getting HIV infections since the viruses could escape through the mini pores of the condoms.

Instead of asking for more tools and gadgets to be invented, we need to change our overall behavior.  There are reasons why the rate of STIs is not increasing in some cultures, and not due to the lack of accurate reporting of incidents.  Instead of popping a porn movie, take good care of ourselves by learning to suppress and control our urges so that we will not be the twenty-second or thirty-minute guy.  Instead of inserting your penis into a vagina or anus on the first date, make out and cuddle with the person a bit more so that you can feel each other’s warmth while enjoying intimacy.  Instead of thinking about sex when you see a beautiful lady walking down the street, do not just stare at her breasts or buttocks but compliment her on her beauty and get to know her as a person.  View each human being as a human being and not a sex toy, damnit!…but before that, learn to love yourself and have faith in yourself!  Take good care of yourself instead of eating tons of cheese cakes while being a couch potato!

Anyway, so that is my thought of the evening.  I also text messaged M tonight since I miss him.  After telling him that I hope that he’s doing well in the southwest, he messaged me back with an lol and called me a silly man  while thanking me 🙂  He was hanging out at his friends’ place when I texted, and I felt bad.  I mean, I would love him to be able to spend quality time with family and friends this holiday season back at home, and I would feel guilty if he texted me around his family and friends.  I apologized…but being a nice guy, he indicated that ’tis okay and that they were just hanging out.  Perhaps ’tis just me, but I sent a message back saying that he shouldn’t ditch his friend for another and that I respect his personal life with family, friends, work, etc too…so I pretty much ended the fifteen-minute text messaging conversation.  I also told him that I will send something around his way tomorrow, and he told me that he is excited :-D…When we chatted on the phone on Christmas, he told me that he loves the image of downtown Madison from John Nolen Drive at night and first saw it on a bus.  I am going to ride the bike around Lake Monona tomorrow evening, so I hope to snap a shot of the downtown area around the area by then and send it to him.  I hope that he’ll like what I’ll send him, and that he understands where I am coming from earlier during our text messages too 🙂